10:21a 28 october, 2019 (10:53p 14 november, 2019)

intellectually i think i can wrap my head around it but my heart
my heart feels left.
i know he’s not leaving me
i know he’ll be back
but i do not know this protocol
can i not even communicate?
(not anywhere near, no)
i don’t know that i can do this
(yet i am,)
communication is so much a part of us
of who we are
and how can i just shut that off?
(i can’t. it appears he can.)
i know that my illness is tempering this.
amplifying this.
(yet without communication,
without the comfort that i had not yet reached in our relationship,
there is no solid ground on which my shaky legs can stand)
(i cannot ask)(yet i have asked and asked my friends and they don’t know either.
there is no way to know)
(and i see that i used “us”
i see that i used “we”.
i don’t feel that comfort now, those words are lies.)
my brain lies to me.
hates me, often.
less so lately, but still.
breathe in, and out.
get some sunshine on my face.
(harder still, now)
fix my makeup.
(again)
go to work.
(go to work)