Conversations after midnight. 22 January, 2020

J came over last night. I don’t think I can see him anymore.

It was so good. Right up to the point where he told me about all the amazing things he’s seen, the art, the museums.
With the girlfriend who doesn’t know.

I had actually forgotten just how good he is. I made the mistake of saying that, too. That I had forgotten.

I really don’t think I can see him anymore. It’s just way too upsetting. And now he’s gone and I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. I asked him, right before he left, when will I see you again? “I don’t know.”

He’s never going to tell her. And why should he? He’s content with the way things are. He has two other partners who are willing to be with him and not worry about being a secret.

I cried. I told him that I wasn’t going to say that I was sorry. That I wasn’t going to apologize. That I wasn’t going to apologize for saying the things that I said. I will never not be truthful and it hurts.

I told him that I can’t give him any of the things that she gives him. I can’t give him any of those things. The museums, the trips, the fancy dinners. The introductions to people who are so special.

He said, you give me enough, more than enough. But obviously it isn’t. I wish I didn’t care. I told him that, too.

The tldr version is: I should have said no to him coming over.

Because now I feel gutted. I really don’t like feeling this way. Especially since it could have been avoided.

I asked him specifically to not talk about her because he cannot talk about me in front of her. So no, he didn’t say her name. But boy motherfucking howdy did he tell me all the wonderful things they did together.

Why would he do that, you ask?

He was excited to tell me about all of the art. And I was excited about all of the art. Until he told me where it was and why he was there.

And that’s when I started to cry.

I think he has mostly good intentions. I don’t think he sets out to hurt me. But he is an old dog and apparently is unable to learn a new trick. To not kiss and tell.

I asked him if she knew what she had with him. If she understood just exactly how lucky she was with him. No upside to that conversation and I already knew the answer because I knew how lucky I felt, had felt, when we were together.

She does know. She loves him very much.

And because he is charming and so very talented, people remember why they don’t say no to him. I’m not going to do it anymore.

I didn’t sign up for this, being a secret with him. I said that last night, too.

He said, “I know.”
I know. Not bloody helpful.

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