If I knew what was to come
what could I change
what could I do
If I knew 5 years ago right now what was to come what would I do.
If I could see this moment right now where I am,
unshowered for days,
sitting outside in a public secret space with my coffee and my weed
the constant anxiety manifesting in different ways now.
I may look calm but I am not.
Everything is so heavy, so fucking heavy.
I could not change a single thing, I know that.
Five years. Five.
I need this time I have needed this time
I need more
(((but where am i?)))
I lose sight, I lose connection
I lose my self
I am unsupervised and there is no corral
no boundaries but the ones I hold to and they are so very shaky
the only (??) difference being that I have become better at holding to them i just*
let go of that terrible, engulfing need
(let go or be dragged.)
or am i just so tired that I cannot summon the effort
I need to think need to believe that this is something I have done that I have wrought within myself
to life, to life.
Salty tears fall; light up, breathe in.
Ex h a l e .
it is all I can do to keep breathing.
*just. as if.