This figuring out of things this Figuring out of how things came to be Things came to be me how I Became.
It is overwhelming in every single way in all three hundred sixty degrees.
It is inwardly and outwardly and upwardly and completely bowling me over and tearing me apart
no it is never too late to learn I just wish you were around so I could show you what I’ve learned who I am who I have become.
Who I am still becoming.
I am sitting in my car and I am smoking and I am shaking and I am full of fear and full of love and they are the same thing.
They have always been the same thing.
As I am parsing all of these things as I am As I am. As I am uncovering all of these separate very distinct very discrete things As I am peeling back the layers and understanding implicitly very explicit differences in things I am filled with patience and sadness at all the time lost in between then and now.
Knowing that I have the rest of forever to be well.
Having promised you the rest of forever to heal.
I had the rest of your forever. and you have mine.
i hate being alone so much. i hate it hate it hateithateithateit quiet and alone and lonely and cold even in this heat cold. even in this heat the cold strangles my blood freezing it cold solid cold i shiver in this heat.
i could have stayed at yours but no. i am afraid. the rain, the dark, the aloneness. you held me in your arms you squeezed me closer felt the heat bloom from my body setting it afire holding me closer. i tangled my fingers in yours hoping to keep some of you for me when i go.
i sit in your kitchen, smoking vibrating in place i cant sit still inside i don’t know how i appear, manic, most likely i hate coming to you, needful, needy. i don’t think i ever feel pity from you, i don’t think (if i begin to think i won’t let go so lets just not)
i know i am not always like this i know that but right now i am very much like this and it is hard to be. much less be around.
It is need, now it is beyond want it is need I need to be out of my head taken out of my HEAD What better than weed and loud music and the dark Especially if I can stay home and have all three at once i need this to be louder more More louder glad I made it home. more more I need comforting I don’t think I am capable of being comforted need to scream need to be loud and that only ever hurts everyone do you see their faces afterwards they never quite look at you the same need someone to hear me. try making the music loud enough to drown out my brain I am glad there is no one else here Am I
this is so much.
I made it to the end of the day I made it I made it without losing everything and then why? I mean really Why thoughtless fucking fucking shit why.
once again, and again This, on top of everything else. Why? there is no why there is only keep going until you die