I think it’s the mornings that are hardest

I think it’s the mornings that are hardest
Yes, the mornings when there’s no one to send out this 💜 my heart
There’s no one to tell
I’m awake! I’m alive! I made it through another night!

It’s also all the times during the day I want to share my face with you, where I want to show you that I am thinking about you, because you could always tell.

It is all of the times that I think about you, your face, your smile, your very name makes me glitter and squish up like I am being devoured by you.

my eyes open, and before I can see anything, I see you.

Your goodness is so pervasive, it has wound around every part of my life, tangling, reaching, connecting all of the things, like mycelium.

To focus on the things that I would prefer, instead of the things I would not; put the energy there, please.

I have one of your overshirts, I’ve wrapped myself in it this lovely autumn morning in July. I haven’t washed it, I took it from the hook where you left it.
Hi love.
×××

bumblebee.

what I am thinking
as I lie here with my face in the sun
body twisted in pain on this too-narrow couch
tears rolling across my face, into my ear
what I am thinking in my grief as I read their poetry
what I am thinking is what I knew.

You are here to help me when you could not in life. How could I ever think I’d lose you?

You were there when I found him.
You were there in my face to say

“I have him now
I am here
I am here for you.”

Help me. Please.
I am open to your help.
Please.
Help me.
I am listening.

comfort.

Sitting in your chair, reading your newspaper, using your lighter, waiting for the wash
I can see you puttering around this place
even if nearly all of what we did here was talk and eat and love and sleep.
Delighting in the chairside lamp that with a touch(!)
turns on and warm and warmer
just as your touch turns on and warm and warmer
I can see your face peeking around the corner from the kitchen, looking at me with raised eyebrows and pursed lips.
The love on your face, the sheer delight is unending.
I can see you picking up each of these things, finding a stopping place in your book and putting a bookmark there.
All of these things that came before me and now no more discussion to be had.
So I will find you myself.
I have forever.

2833

Last night I had a better night’s sleep than I have in I don’t know how long. Maybe years. Maybe ever.

There are still so many things to improve about my situation and yet I am better off now in so many ways than I ever have been.

The things that I don’t have in comparison to the things that I do have are far outweighed.

I know who is on my side, who is in my corner, and I know I don’t have to truck with anyone who isn’t.

I know that my strangeness isn’t something to be tolerated and dealt with but something to be seen and witnessed, and made room for.

I know that being here in this space in this time with these people is magic. I only wish that you could see how they love me and how I love them.

I think it would make you happy to see me finally stand up for myself in a way that doesn’t diminish anyone.

I think that perhaps I have evolved into the truly magical girl you met. Whatever you saw, whoever she was, I think she is me now.

I no longer feel as if I am trying to live up to the expectations of a dead man. I think I finally understand that you really did only want the best for me and saw the best in me. You truly were my biggest fan, and the frustration that you felt in my unreadiness only ever was suffused by your joy a few times in our lives. A few times that were such incredible examples of your joy that it made all of the rest difficult to bear and understand. I can see, from this side now, what it must have looked like and how you knew I was smarter than that. But I wasn’t, I couldn’t be yet. It had nothing to do with smarts. Just a traumatized body’s unwillingness to let go of the familiar for the possible.

I don’t know what is coming next for me, only what I hope for. And I do hope for things: for more peace, for more stability, for more safety and calm.

I miss you, Gary, 2833 days gone. I don’t miss the wondering if I am okay. I don’t miss the not knowing that you loved me; if you loved me. I don’t miss being afraid to ask for what I desperately needed for fear of ridicule and rejection. I don’t miss the contempt and derision. I don’t miss knowing that others saw our terribleness.

I know that the people who love me, love me. I don’t have to guess. I won’t ever have to again.

burnout 819a 30 may 2025

i guess its fog? i feel like a veil of stupidity and slowness is upon me.
like i’ve turned into some dummy. someone who does things I would yell at

i would have no patience for me.

i know i feel i know i am frustrating those around me

why am i questioning if this is burnout? of course it is. of course it is but how do i shuck this constant shroud of disappointment?

that i am disappointing and unable to keep up my end.

it is taking so long

but it has taken fifty-seven years to get here.

please take some grace.

2000/2025 questions. Answers to come.

No idea what provoked this list
on scrap paper from my Grand Opening flyer

1. What do I really want for myself and my life?

2. What should I want?

3. What are my “soul” priorities? these are the ones that I really really want, what feels too good to be possible.

4. What are my “head” priorities? these are what I think about all the time.

5. Are my desires really my desires or are they meant to please someone else?

6. What really matters to me @ this time in my life?

7. What needs my attention?

8. What am I afraid of?

9. What am I afraid of losing?

10. What am I afraid of gaining ?

oh if I could just go 1131a 17 december 2024

oh if I could just go
If it could just be over, done.
gone.
finished.
please.

1215p

safe but uncertain
terrifying.

melting completely down desperately lonely and not wanting anyone to see me like this

1223

I am feeling very much that I do not want to be here anymore so as soon as I finish this joint which is no longer working I’m going to go inside and get in bed with Mojo.

1236 I recognize it now it is the desperate

1242 I can’t take care of myself

219 i have eaten a sandwich bag of stale crackers
drag myself inside to be in bed Mojo comes right along after I’ve fed him
sunlight splays across the bed and covers his brown/black fur pushed up against my face
and I am whole again.

food will come in parts and I am hoping to eat it.

All the food groups?
tuna salad bbq chip slider

323 I deserve to eat.*


318p relief.

*i write this line only after having eaten while still eating because I do not know if I deserve to eat. it certainly didn’t feel that way. crumbs falling on the dirt to serve the birds later.

753a 5 october 2024

various successful attempts at perking myself up with my own reflection

i take photos of myself to remind you that I’m still here
I take photos of myself looking cute, getting just the right angle, to remind you of my cuteness, my adorability
my absolute energy
I don’t want you to forget about me but as you say
I am inevitable
I feel as if the energy around me is visible, tangible, radiating in waves
but maybe that’s just the mushrooms
no one could forget about me not possible
Impossible!
and yet here I am, messages unanswered, unread even.
everyone is out there, enjoying their everything, all together, together.
I feel as though there is me existing in this hidden pocket that is simply a blip, that no one sees or feels or hears.
Or does, but doesn’t.

Enjoy.