wtf were you thinking

What the fuck were you thinking.
What the fuck indeed. For those of you who don’t have the unmitigated joy of living with imposter syndrome, what the fuck were you thinking is a constant refrain. Those of you who have impulse issues for one reason or another, you will be familiar with what the fuck were you thinking.

And as I look at the progress I have made in the past two days on top of the past fifty-five years and then I look at this piece in the morning sunlight and I know the answer.

This is real. This is beauty. This is power. This is knowledge.

This is proof.

737a 4 may, 2023

The things that I would say
The things that I would say to you if I had your ear again

I mean of course how much I love you and fucking Christ I miss you but also
How much I miss massaging your hands the way you like
That yes please write my Etsy descriptions for me so that I don’t have to and
I am so sorry that I said no when you offered. What was I thinking??
I wasn’t.

If you thought I was scattered before
It’s like pistachio shells on the pavement now.
The ravens are noisy overhead, more so than usual
as I sit outside in the grey.

If I were someone who saw signs in things
I would definitely feel that you are close.

But I don’t, so what do I do?

Push past, through.
Know the next immediate steps for today.
Focus on coming home.

808a 27th february 2023

you asked me more than once yesterday if i was okay
what gave it away
it is clear that you are unable to listen or unwilling it doesn’t matter which
you are unable to read my face until it is well past too late
yes, I know that you are going through some shit. yes I know that there are some things that seem beyond your control.
I have learned that it is safer for me to not engage with people who are acting like this until they stop, but that is the crux.
I am uncomfortable in my own brain in my own body in my own self
so to be around and be barraged by cutting commentary is not something I can sustain.
every least sneer is an accusation, is a judgement.

I am trying to remain whole, one. Here.
There is too much turbulence and I cannot keep fast to my core.
I cannot weather the storm any more.

13 January 2023/2018

2023
Each year that I read this (and it is now five) I am struck by how close to the initial feeling I still have, how it is now my core, how those first four months of aftermath set the tone for my moving forward.

The sentiment is the same.
I wish you could see.

I couldn’t be this person if you had survived, I wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t have to be.

I wonder if you knew the electricity and wonderment and sheer delight others know to be my truth; I have to believe we had that, too, once upon a time.

How good was my best back then? How close to this could you possibly have seen back then? I guess it must have been something because we met and fell in love and you told me so eleven days later.

I wish I could talk to that girl that I was that person who was running on full-blown mania 100% of the time. I have so much to tell her.

2018
Gary, my love.

Four months ago today you left this Earth.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, that I don’t think about you, that I don’t have something to share with you.

I’ve grown stronger, and softer, and wiser. I’ve grown in ways you would expect, be proud of. Become even more resilient, because I’ve had to. You always had my back even when neither of us knew it. Even when it was too difficult to say so, to share so.

I’ve met people who you would like, who you would love, and I’ve told them so. I’ve made changes; some small, some not-so. Evolved, mostly. Become, more. The way The Velveteen Rabbit Became.

Anyone I let into This Widow’s Life has to measure up to your memory, is judged against your bar, and a very high bar it is indeed. I can reach it on tiptoe, in bare feet. You remain the smartest man I’ve ever met. The most difficult partner I’ve ever had. The most worth-it partner. You had to be, we had to be, for me to not give up, for us to not give up. And we never did.

I tolerate less, and more. Funny, that. I’m not afraid to speak my mind, stand firm, hold my ground. I give no quarter; this far and no further.

Those I have let in, those few, I think they know, I think they realize what a gift it is. You did. Even though it wasn’t until the very very end. So bittersweet; but I am not bitter.

I love you, more.

Always,
Glitter 💜💜