water washes away

sitting in my car, rain smashing into the windshield
coming hugely into the narrow slit I’ve opened in the window
smoke hazing around the inside of the cabin

It is pouring (again)

giant crocodile tears wetting my sweater
I don’t dare lower the window any further not even to tap my ash
thunder competing with the din of the rain on my roof

I have eaten and smoked and am grateful for the help I had in making it through this day.
I am not alone.

nonstop. 3d october 2020

i did my job today.
i did my job well, today.
it was non stop and busy and there were too many people and now i am
.
and now i am sitting barefoot on my couch
too overwhelmed by everything to want any noise near me
the noise inside my head, also nonstop
the pain in my hip from not resting but for ten minutes, nonstop
shoulders, tense, up around my ears
hot tears fall, splashing my lenses
i can barely breathe.

1205p wtf even is today 2020 (22 july)

i am hoping.

(i am hoping)
jesus gods i am hoping
i am hoping that it is just that you are busy
that there isn’t some other reason
“oops, it looks like his phone has been off/disconnected for awhile.”

disconnected

we have been disconnected
the last thing i know you saw of mine was thursday,
even though i text you every day, almost.
(i know you are busy. i am not complaining.)

six days ago.
disconnected.

it will be five months since we’ve seen each other
no longer am i worried it’s something i’ve done
no more paranoia around that particularly fun attribute of my chemical rollercoaster
no.
you are a doctor.
there is this virus.

i am hoping.

I am reminded of possibility. 11th july 2020

I am reminded of possibility.

This couple, older than I am,
(not by so much that the differences are stark)
this couple who is writing their next chapter
successful, and snarky, and smart,
cool, and kind, and a little kooky,
warm, and funny, and genuine.

I am reminded that anything is possible.

Everything is possible.

I have seen glimpses of it, I know.
had morsels of it.
enough to whet my appetite.
my palate has become more refined,
my preferences both widening and narrowing in the same instant
as i breathe in
and out.
embrace, joyfully
discard with little fanfare.
there is no value in overthinking what i leave behind
no valuing the discarded
take the lesson and move forward.
that lesson alone,
separating the signal from the noise,
that in itself is such a heavy prospect right now
but in other moments,
(breathe, please. and again. once more. good girl.)
such as this one,
it seems thinkable, plausible
possible.

i have left so much behind am leaving
so much behind.
what would carrying it forward do for me?
cui bono?
for surely i have long since paid for these crimes
surely i am rehabilitated, getting there, anyway
surely i am on the right path
surely i am still going the right way.

it doesn’t have to all come with me
(why does this feel like i’m convincing myself?)
i can let it go
(then why is there still so much left to sort through?)
((can you just?))
(((can you?)))

thousands of photographs, blurry and out of focus
my life is out of focus, blurry
and getting clearer
more clear.
more,
focused.
as the unimportant,
the less-important,
the extraneous
as all this falls away is sloughed away
given away
pressed into other hands, joyfully,
gleefully, even.
no more guilt at not wanting to keep things
no more guilt at the money spent
the time spent
the energy.
spent.

even the idea of it
(the idea!)
the idea is lightening
not lightning,
l i g h t e n i n g .

alien.

Hopeful.
Full of possibility.

by lightening the load
both literal and metaphorical
I am making room for new.
Taking pieces of my armor,
loosening them
disarming.
i have become disarming.

It is only because I can see the enemy
enemies
for what they are
it is only since I have learned how to dance
sidestepping and evading
choosing who to embrace
and who to deny
it is only now that even in my most frantic moments, hours
I do not doubt the loves I have.
I know I am not needed,
I know I am necessary.

I am reminded of possibility.
I am open to possibility.

what you (don’t) see. 9th july 2020

Mojo and Momma

This girl.
You see this girl, smiling, happy.
This sweet kitty, snuggling this smiling girl.

What you don’t see.
The remade bed, the just-changed sheets
that have needed changing for too long.
The remade bed that until five minutes prior,
I was in, under the covers,
chest heaving,
desperate to recall the feeling of the embrace
of a good man, a sweet man.
The soft, welcome heaviness of the weighted blanket on my shoulder,
my hip.
so close to feeling the way his arm did,
draped across my shoulder, holding my hand, fingers intertwined.
his warmth behind me,
curving into my back.

what you don’t see.
tears staining my face
the roughness of Mojo’s tongue on my cheeks,
the delicate inquisitiveness of his nose at the corners of my eyes.
knowing that the memory of the feeling would have to last
until next time.

I am happy that I can remember,
even though the stopgap measures,
the heavy blanket,
even though trying to not be lonely only makes me lonelier.

i know what i am worth

i know what I am worth
(do i?
do i really, though?)

I know what people tell me
how people react to me
how they are with me.
I know that I can become single-minded
super focused
only to have my attention s c a t t e r
scatter.
I look up from my work sometimes
(art
writing
a lover)
I take a metaphorical step back to view the tableau
refocus my attention to the ambient sounds of the room,
i become subsumed by the overall pleasure of a job
well
done.
knowing my value comes in being indispensable.

indispensable.

Knowing (knowing)
knowing that in order to pay my way I must be
indispensable,
spectacular.
galaxy class.

In my worst moments
in moments like now
it is in my worst moments that I can see the balance sheet
Knowing
(knowing)
at the least sign of perceived imbalance I will be let go
Not worth the hassle.

That when I am feeling most stable
When I really do believe what I say over and over about being a badass.
a rising Phoenix.
That the love and caretaking I am worthy of is mine to take and is plentiful if I only believe
That I am not too much.
That I am not too intense.

that i can command, demand, and not settle.

I have nothing to hide anymore
Anyone who cares, I have nothing to hide.

find me. please.

836p 3rd july 2020

flooded.
finally flooded.
amnesia haze i am
in an amnesia haze.
username checks out.
five stars.
10/10 would recommend.
i know that there isnt much left in the bowl and i will have to go inside
to get more.
to feel better. more.
right now just enjoying the evening sounds
rain from the last downpour in the downspout
birds settling in for the night
the neighborhood quieting
my brain
quieting.

i should go back inside, fill the bowl.
always ready.

pandemic diaries: 1145p 10 april 2010

this being apart shit.

this fucking shit is tearing my body apart
raking my flesh
scissoring my veins
shredding my bones…

it is rendering me jellied,
puddled.

my body knows this feeling
this d e p r e s s i o n.
it isn’t the right time for it not like this.
all of this laying around and doing nothing
AND BEING TOLD ITS OKAY.
this is what’s different.
i’m not tired i am active. alert. pointy.
with no release.
no way to let go.
no way to succumb.

So I smoke.

and i eat.

and i smoke.

and I have a rich fantasy life and when I do venture out it is with
dire regard
like a fox I am so
aware.
I crave human interaction I crave
I crave.
i need
voice. a face.
a touch .

this is tearing me apart.