to anyone reading this.
to everyone reading this.

if i have ever made you feel some kind of way
if i have taught you anything
if you have learned from me
if i have made an impact on you,
  good or bad
  large or small.
i need you to tell me.

i am at my most desperate.
i am failing. losing.

i am so needful a thing.

8:35p 28 april, 2019

If you think there’s time to wait, you’re wrong.
I don’t want to talk on the phone.
I need to see.
I need to read. So I can reread. So it imprints as much as a tattoo.

I know this is needy. i am needful.
I know this is desperate. i am.

if ever i have made you feel anything

i need to know.
i need to see.
i need to read.
proof. i need proof.


I pulled over to write. tears filled my eyes and the dusk settled fast and faster. breath caught in gasps, eyes burning and i tried to see.

it is now two and a half hours later

i am calm enough to transcribe what i felt safe in not writing down, safe enough after it careened through my head like falcons in a canyon. safe enough to trust the calm that immediately followed writing. drained toxins from my brain, my heart, my body. safe enough to take measured breaths, a sip of water, to dry my eyes.

you would be able to tell, if you cared, exactly which beast was in control and when if you looked at my handwriting. even as it shifts in what i wrote today. you can see the abyss opening wide, its maw gaping and having the gravitational pull of a black hole.