I read the things that I wrote when I know I was desperate

When The Desperate was upon me

when it was the only thing near me, surrounding me

perched on my shoulders like a raptor

(waiting for me to succumb just the tiniest bit)

my already hard as stone flesh under the digging sharpness, not giving way

I am stronger than you in my pain

I am more than you even in my terror.

That pain, that terror, it lives in my body.

Just as I know that too many crunches or coughs or orgasms can make my body feel anxious even though it is simply muscle memory.

My body contracts when I am terrified; it attempts to make itself smaller

as if I could instantly transform a 228-pound half-ton-lifting body into something smaller

What if 

What if instead of contracting I  e x p a n d e d

instead?

Took up more room.

Reached out for more explanation.

I know that

(you know how you get)

I know that I only used to have rage as a solution.

I know that instant inner and outer screaming was the only possibility.

I don’t feel that way anymore

(you know how you get)

I haven’t felt that way for some time

(you know how you get)

I feel so much more able to unroll the things in front of me

(you know how you get)

Keep the center fast

(you know how you get)

It is so much to shut out.

Take smaller bites, then.

Stop reading when you begin to go elsewhere.

Pull back.

Enforce your boundaries.

(you know how you get)

Yes, I do. It’s too much to be and still stay standing.

Let go of the things that hurt and don’t serve.

739a 26 may 2023

I read the things that I wrote when I know I was desperate
When the desperate was upon me
when it was the only thing near me, surrounding me
perched on my shoulders like a raptor
(waiting for me to succumb just the tiniest bit)
my already hard as stone flesh under the digging sharpness, not giving way
I am stronger than you in my pain
I am more than you even in my terror.

That pain, that terror, it lives in my body.
Just as I know that too many crunches or coughs or orgasms can make my body feel anxious even though it is simply muscle memory.

My body contracts when I am terrified; it attempts to make itself smaller
as if I could instantly transform a 228-pound half-ton-lifting body into something smaller

What if
What if instead of contracting I

e x p a n d e d
instead?
Took up more room.
Reached out for more explanation.
I know that
(you know how you get)
I know that I only used to have rage as a solution.
I know that instant inner and outer screaming was the only possibility.
I don’t feel that way anymore
(you know how you get)
I haven’t felt that way for some time
(you know how you get)
I feel so much more able to unroll the things in front of me
(you know how you get)
Keep the center fast
(you know how you get)

It is so much to shut out.
Take smaller bites, then.
Stop reading when you begin to go elsewhere.
Pull back.
Enforce your boundaries.

(you know how you get)

Yes, I do. It’s too much to be and still stay standing.

Let go of the things that hurt and don’t serve.