the time traveling doctor. 7a 20th november, 2020

Every time I have seen JJ since my husband’s death it’s all I can be reminded of. How long it’s been. I know I mention it every time I see him and I have found myself unable to stop doing so. I realize (every single time) that this is not conducive to doing more business, or good for his comfort, or for mine, in fact. His profession means that he’s going to have to deal with surviving spouses, possibly more than he thought. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to keep focusing on only that anytime I see him and I fear that I may have risked ever seeing him again because I can’t stop talking about it.

Listening to The New York Times Daily podcast this morning and an interview with a woman who was a medical examiner in rural Wisconsin, who explains that she understands that as a last responder, her presence is triggering for some people forever.

Do I think that I can rewrite my own code for this relationship? Do I think that I can rewire my brain to be thankful that one of my husband’s cardiologists is such a lovely, sweet, kind person instead of having the first and only reaction to him being one of the last attendants to my husband?

Yes. Yes of course I do.
My brain is nothing but elasticity and electricity and muscle and if the past 1,164 days have shown me nothing else it is this.

Most recently, I have been learning how love can help to reframe old photographs, to view memories through a different lens. To not make excuses for, but to understand motivation. To take this current love into the past and care for the people who were hurt. To let that healing wend its way forward into the future, to meet up with the realization I have now.

I wish you could see me now. I wish you could know me, now.

think i had a psychotic episode today. (part 1)

think i had a psychotic episode today.
i don’t know for sure.
it was while i was driving.

what i do know is that the fear and terror that i felt was as bad as it has ever been
terror and fear so huge that it overtakes everything
but there was no pain
no physical pain to be afraid of
just the fear that always accompanies it
no looming precipice in front of me
nothing different about the day.
nothing.

what i do know is that approaching ten thirty this morning
while i was driving
while i was driving i was filled with overwhelming dread
i mean serious fucking dread like a tornado sky out of the clear blue.
arguing with myself over what to do
really, i mean come ON wtf
look at the complete lack of signal
how much further now? not much

i pulled over as soon as it was safe enough
hazards on, music on
into the deep we go
i had to tell someone what to do, it became clear.
i pulled over, made a short video.
said what i needed to say
that i am okay
(i do not believe that for a second FUCK no but i don’t understand what’s happening, either)
my phone pin.
my master password.
again that i am okay but i need to tell, i need to say.
in case.
so no one is sitting there with my dead hand in theirs trying to get into my phone
the way i did.
the way i had to.
i have no plans.
no ideation.
only the nearly ever-present need to fight to stay connected to the earth.

(more later, i promise. i’m fucking tired.)

nonstop. 3d october 2020

i did my job today.
i did my job well, today.
it was non stop and busy and there were too many people and now i am
.
and now i am sitting barefoot on my couch
too overwhelmed by everything to want any noise near me
the noise inside my head, also nonstop
the pain in my hip from not resting but for ten minutes, nonstop
shoulders, tense, up around my ears
hot tears fall, splashing my lenses
i can barely breathe.

expanded

it's so hard to be without you
lying in the bed, you are so much to be without…*

it is a bit north of nine am and i am driving
i am driving back up to the pottery, we are firing
we are firing and i am needed
i am needed.
i have promises to keep on my way so i do.

(i don’t remember whether the windows are open or closed;)
i am trying to remember whether it was the air conditioning or the wind that made me question
question whether i was hearing what i was.

(a few days ago ((five))
a few days ago i was insane
insane and unable to stop it

a year (?) ago i made the decision to microdose psychedelics
a couple of months ago i decided for true, and asked for help.
a few days ago i began.
i wept, shaking, shared my fear, and help came.
i did as i was bid.
i am nothing if not a good girl.

rattles in my head that empty drum filled with doubt
Everything you lose, the wisdom will find its way out

i am driving. i am listening
have been listening.
i am hearing more?
somehow the music is filling the cabin differently,
more, more separately?
more.
i can discern and follow discrete instruments and still pay attention to the words,
and it is as if the more i am noticing this the more complex it appears
while remaining fluid and whole.

i am driving home, we are done for now.
i am driving and have restarted the song
having remembered that i have this to write, to explore.
the guitars are so ripe and juicy and it is as if i can taste them.
I am heading home to Mojo.
I am heading home to no one to share my day with.
there is no one to see my face, to watch my eyes flash
as the overwhelming love i have explodes
I am balancing that thought with conversation, albeit one-sided
you aren’t there to tell
you aren’t there.

the instant, truthful thought that makes me swallow my thought as the breath to express it escapes my lips
but you were never happy for me
you were never excited for me.

but what if you were?
in the end, especially the very end but that last year
you began to see me
really see me maybe the way you did when we first met.
maybe for the first time in a very long time.

Every night is lonesome and is longer than before
Nothing really matters anymore
It's so hard to be without you
Used to feel so angry and now only I feel humble
Stinging from the storm inside my ribs where it thunders
Nothing left to say or really even wonder
We are like a book and every page is so torn
Nothing really matters anymore
It's so hard not to call you

So I do.

Thunder's in my bones out in the streets where I first saw you
When everything was new and colorful, it's gotten darker
Every day's a lesson…

The noise without no longer scares me.
It’s the noise within that does, always has.
But maybe hearing the separations, the pieces untangled
maybe
maybe that is how i untangle the noise within.

*To Be Without You, Ryan Adams

1205p wtf even is today 2020 (22 july)

i am hoping.

(i am hoping)
jesus gods i am hoping
i am hoping that it is just that you are busy
that there isn’t some other reason
“oops, it looks like his phone has been off/disconnected for awhile.”

disconnected

we have been disconnected
the last thing i know you saw of mine was thursday,
even though i text you every day, almost.
(i know you are busy. i am not complaining.)

six days ago.
disconnected.

it will be five months since we’ve seen each other
no longer am i worried it’s something i’ve done
no more paranoia around that particularly fun attribute of my chemical rollercoaster
no.
you are a doctor.
there is this virus.

i am hoping.

I am reminded of possibility. 11th july 2020

I am reminded of possibility.

This couple, older than I am,
(not by so much that the differences are stark)
this couple who is writing their next chapter
successful, and snarky, and smart,
cool, and kind, and a little kooky,
warm, and funny, and genuine.

I am reminded that anything is possible.

Everything is possible.

I have seen glimpses of it, I know.
had morsels of it.
enough to whet my appetite.
my palate has become more refined,
my preferences both widening and narrowing in the same instant
as i breathe in
and out.
embrace, joyfully
discard with little fanfare.
there is no value in overthinking what i leave behind
no valuing the discarded
take the lesson and move forward.
that lesson alone,
separating the signal from the noise,
that in itself is such a heavy prospect right now
but in other moments,
(breathe, please. and again. once more. good girl.)
such as this one,
it seems thinkable, plausible
possible.

i have left so much behind am leaving
so much behind.
what would carrying it forward do for me?
cui bono?
for surely i have long since paid for these crimes
surely i am rehabilitated, getting there, anyway
surely i am on the right path
surely i am still going the right way.

it doesn’t have to all come with me
(why does this feel like i’m convincing myself?)
i can let it go
(then why is there still so much left to sort through?)
((can you just?))
(((can you?)))

thousands of photographs, blurry and out of focus
my life is out of focus, blurry
and getting clearer
more clear.
more,
focused.
as the unimportant,
the less-important,
the extraneous
as all this falls away is sloughed away
given away
pressed into other hands, joyfully,
gleefully, even.
no more guilt at not wanting to keep things
no more guilt at the money spent
the time spent
the energy.
spent.

even the idea of it
(the idea!)
the idea is lightening
not lightning,
l i g h t e n i n g .

alien.

Hopeful.
Full of possibility.

by lightening the load
both literal and metaphorical
I am making room for new.
Taking pieces of my armor,
loosening them
disarming.
i have become disarming.

It is only because I can see the enemy
enemies
for what they are
it is only since I have learned how to dance
sidestepping and evading
choosing who to embrace
and who to deny
it is only now that even in my most frantic moments, hours
I do not doubt the loves I have.
I know I am not needed,
I know I am necessary.

I am reminded of possibility.
I am open to possibility.

i am not afraid anymore. 9th july 2020

i am not afraid anymore.

(i was afraid ((briefly)) that i would forget this,
what i wanted to write needed
needed to write
but i was driving and i know how to remember things

((mostly
you just keep repeating them
looking into the middle distance
(((idk if that’s a real thing but go with it)))
and then it becomes a rhythm and then you can just
remember))
)

i am not afraid anymore.
i have faced the worst
the absolute worst.
i have heard the worst.
i have dated the worst
fucked the worst
married the worst.
i have been burned
i have been raped
i have been thieved.
i have lived the worst
i have died.

still,
i rise.

i have done all these things and i have fucking
FIRE in my heart and my brain and my lungs
and i am not afraid of you.
i am not afraid of you or anyone else.

especially not you.

you come try.

i dare you.

i know what i am worth

i know what I am worth
(do i?
do i really, though?)

I know what people tell me
how people react to me
how they are with me.
I know that I can become single-minded
super focused
only to have my attention s c a t t e r
scatter.
I look up from my work sometimes
(art
writing
a lover)
I take a metaphorical step back to view the tableau
refocus my attention to the ambient sounds of the room,
i become subsumed by the overall pleasure of a job
well
done.
knowing my value comes in being indispensable.

indispensable.

Knowing (knowing)
knowing that in order to pay my way I must be
indispensable,
spectacular.
galaxy class.

In my worst moments
in moments like now
it is in my worst moments that I can see the balance sheet
Knowing
(knowing)
at the least sign of perceived imbalance I will be let go
Not worth the hassle.

That when I am feeling most stable
When I really do believe what I say over and over about being a badass.
a rising Phoenix.
That the love and caretaking I am worthy of is mine to take and is plentiful if I only believe
That I am not too much.
That I am not too intense.

that i can command, demand, and not settle.

I have nothing to hide anymore
Anyone who cares, I have nothing to hide.

find me. please.

844a 4th july 2020

This.
This a thousand million googol times.

This different kind of imposter syndrome, what would you call it?
nothing reliable, nothing real
no sure footing
feeling fake all the time, having to adjust my face, my
mask

The thing that most gets me through is knowing
(this tiny, blurry, hazy beacon in the fog)
knowing that it will indeed end, that it will shift because it always does.
not always for the better and many times for the much, much worse
But change, indeed, will happen.
Change always (eventually) for the good
for the evolution
for the revolution.
let go or be dragged.

I am long enough into this diagnosis,
my clinical history starred and asterisked and underlined
drugs and cocktails of drugs given and discarded
I am long enough into this life to know that I am a compliant patient.
I am long enough into this life to know my own body, and what feels right for it.
I have never misunderstood the importance of taking all the medicine.
Following the directions.
Being a good girl.
but what happens when you do everything right, when you do everything you are supposed to do and still nothing works?
When you “soldier on”
as opposed to what?
You wait patiently for spring, then summer to end.
You lean on your friends, your lovers as much as you think they can stand
always risking oversharing, overeverything
reaching the point where it is your literal life on the line and you are
Depending on

I can barely breathe for the tension I feel
not wanting to overstay my welcome
not wanting to overwhelm others as I am completely overwhelmed
the noise in my head is unending

the thing that keeps me here
the knowing that it will shift
that it will change
that it won’t always be like this.
Until it is again.