bumblebee.

what I am thinking
as I lie here with my face in the sun
body twisted in pain on this too-narrow couch
tears rolling across my face, into my ear
what I am thinking in my grief as I read their poetry
what I am thinking is what I knew.

You are here to help me when you could not in life. How could I ever think I’d lose you?

You were there when I found him.
You were there in my face to say

“I have him now
I am here
I am here for you.”

Help me. Please.
I am open to your help.
Please.
Help me.
I am listening.

2833

Last night I had a better night’s sleep than I have in I don’t know how long. Maybe years. Maybe ever.

There are still so many things to improve about my situation and yet I am better off now in so many ways than I ever have been.

The things that I don’t have in comparison to the things that I do have are far outweighed.

I know who is on my side, who is in my corner, and I know I don’t have to truck with anyone who isn’t.

I know that my strangeness isn’t something to be tolerated and dealt with but something to be seen and witnessed, and made room for.

I know that being here in this space in this time with these people is magic. I only wish that you could see how they love me and how I love them.

I think it would make you happy to see me finally stand up for myself in a way that doesn’t diminish anyone.

I think that perhaps I have evolved into the truly magical girl you met. Whatever you saw, whoever she was, I think she is me now.

I no longer feel as if I am trying to live up to the expectations of a dead man. I think I finally understand that you really did only want the best for me and saw the best in me. You truly were my biggest fan, and the frustration that you felt in my unreadiness only ever was suffused by your joy a few times in our lives. A few times that were such incredible examples of your joy that it made all of the rest difficult to bear and understand. I can see, from this side now, what it must have looked like and how you knew I was smarter than that. But I wasn’t, I couldn’t be yet. It had nothing to do with smarts. Just a traumatized body’s unwillingness to let go of the familiar for the possible.

I don’t know what is coming next for me, only what I hope for. And I do hope for things: for more peace, for more stability, for more safety and calm.

I miss you, Gary, 2833 days gone. I don’t miss the wondering if I am okay. I don’t miss the not knowing that you loved me; if you loved me. I don’t miss being afraid to ask for what I desperately needed for fear of ridicule and rejection. I don’t miss the contempt and derision. I don’t miss knowing that others saw our terribleness.

I know that the people who love me, love me. I don’t have to guess. I won’t ever have to again.

737a 4 may, 2023

The things that I would say
The things that I would say to you if I had your ear again

I mean of course how much I love you and fucking Christ I miss you but also
How much I miss massaging your hands the way you like
That yes please write my Etsy descriptions for me so that I don’t have to and
I am so sorry that I said no when you offered. What was I thinking??
I wasn’t.

If you thought I was scattered before
It’s like pistachio shells on the pavement now.
The ravens are noisy overhead, more so than usual
as I sit outside in the grey.

If I were someone who saw signs in things
I would definitely feel that you are close.

But I don’t, so what do I do?

Push past, through.
Know the next immediate steps for today.
Focus on coming home.

5:09pm 13th september 2022

One thousand, eight hundred twenty six days ago was the last time I heard your heart beat next to my face.

I miss you.
I miss you every day.
I am glad you saved me from hearing your voice that day, already altered by the stroke.
I am glad your face was already placid and sedate when you heard me telling you that I loved you. I can imagine the smile.
You were actively dying.
You knew I would be angry for not waiting and you knew I would understand.

You were dying and you saved me.
You have saved me.

You have saved me.

the rest of forever

This figuring out of things this
Figuring out of how things came to be
Things came to be me how I
Became.

It is overwhelming in every single way in all
three hundred sixty degrees.

It is inwardly and outwardly and upwardly and completely bowling me over and tearing me apart

no it is never too late to learn I just wish you were around so I could show you what I’ve learned who I am who I have become.

Who I am still becoming.

I am sitting in my car and I am smoking and I am shaking and I am full of fear and full of love and they are the same thing.

They have always been the same thing.

As I am parsing all of these things as I am
As I am.
As I am uncovering all of these separate very distinct very discrete things
As I am peeling back the layers and understanding implicitly very explicit differences in things
I am filled with patience and sadness at all the time lost in between then and now.

Knowing that I have the rest of forever to be well.

Having promised you the rest of forever to heal.

I had the rest of your forever.
and you have mine.

741a 3d february 2022

I am feeling crazy this morning.

that in itself isn’t so unusual but this is just

This is so much on top of so much on top of so much please.

I don’t want this I don’t want this it doesn’t help to say I don’t want this until I say it I don’t want this I don’t like this I don’t want this none of it thank you please stop

stop.

1142p 11th december 2021

this late at night
at this time of year
there are some very dark stretches of route nine heading north to home
so dark that i could turn off my headlights

and disappear

there are very few other cars
no lights
i could drift into nothingness
brightness

then black.
Nothing.

the road ahead opens its maw
promising to swallow me whole.
it could be done.
Over.

this void within my chest swells
my brain reels

this is a thing I know, now, filed away.

letters from the past. 9th february 2018

dear j.

sorry I missed your call yesterday; Penny was here, helping me get Gary’s computer sorted (well, preliminary steps, anyway; she’s got more research to do) to get it connected back to the server. The one password he didn’t store in LastPass is the root password, because obviously that, his phone password, and his LastPass password were the only ones he needed to remember to unlock everything. She’ll be able to get sudo access though, and from there, be able to reset the server. She was able to open a terminal though (zshell) and it was a beautiful thing watching his code populate the screen once again. I happen to know that his code is streamlined and super-concise; no obfuscation, no mess, but it was heartwarming to get confirmation of that from another Linux user.

I gave her three of his most favored coding books; Beautiful Data, Beautiful Code, and I can’t remember the last but she was like “are you sure? These are really expensive”. Yes, I’m sure. They’re in good, useful hands now.

i wonder what you would say

I wonder what you would say
if you met my Brian. Would you look up at him and say (head cocked like the dog on the victrola commercial)

how?
how are you so good?
why are you so good?
I see how she loves you.
Everyone does.

And he would look at you with kindness in his eyes and his voice would drop and he would say

aww sweetie because you are me.

I want you to feel the love I feel
I want you to know what this feels like because I don’t know that you ever have.
I don’t know that I have ever felt this love for you before now.
now, when it is un/complicated.

It hurts me that this is here and you are not.
That I am here,
That you are not.

welcomed.

to the lovers of my lover.

How I wish.
How I envy the decades you have had
learning this man, evolving with this man.

How grateful I am.
For your caretaking
your taking care of each other until I could get here.
I wasn’t ready.
So many things had to happen, first.
so many terrible things.
I arrived, breathless, on your collective doorstep.
Invited in but still a surprise.