Tag: Super Mario

among the wildflowers

I am imagining your beautiful skull
clean and white and gleaming in another forest
as beautiful as when it was covered by your skin
soft and creased and lips puckering to welcome mine

I am imagining the creatures that are feasting on you, much as I clung to the words we shared, the love we shared, surrounding you and enclosing you as you surrounded and enclosed me

You have given yourself to the world as you have yourself to me, completely and unabashedly.

You are the most unselfish person. The only way to continue is to follow your lead.

the backyard at Brian’s – Sundown Wild Forest

thursday evening, 8:18p 4th september 2025

I miss your kisses
There haven’t been any since I kissed you last.
I can hear you telling me that I need to be kissed.
I miss the way you look at me
the way you see me
There has not been any of that, either
except in the glimmer I catch from the corner of my vision
People listen to me, for a time, because I have interesting and useful things to say
but then they go.
You stayed, staid.
Sturdy and safe, secure.
My haven in the wilderness.
The wilderness surrounding me seems to be balancing out, equalizing with the wilderness within
much as a bucket of water surrounding a bag of hard clay will soften it.
I sit in your chair, having eaten, smoking
I can feel your huge hands on my shoulders, surprising you the first time you did so by how hard they are, belying the soft surroundings
I grinned at you, happy to have pleased you, pleased myself with my complexity.

I wasn’t done with our conversation.
It is unfinished.
There is so much more to say.

329p tuesday 2nd september 2025

I think about how disturbing it was, to the woods, to the forest
When I found you dead and began screaming.
Sitting here on your porch two months later in the near-quiet midday, only the occasional screen door squeak and slam, the crickets, the
what is that banging is it gunshots
of the deep woods
I think about how deeply I offended the forest, tearing her air open that way, and how she has welcomed me in.
How, in this peaceful deep quiet she has comforted me, presented her ever-evolving palette.

twenty-nine days.

I woke up in your bed this morning, a Thursday
four weeks after I was supposed to.
how has it been 4 weeks already.

It’s like you’re just away somewhere
just out of reach, but not really
I can feel you here, everywhere here

I know you know
I know you are here
I can feel you enveloping me, keeping me safe.
I can hear you say,
“look at you!” your voice sparkling as much as your eyes

your presence is as thick as your mustache.

You have given me such gifts.

sometimes I feel like I just haven’t seen you in a bit and that we will have a date soon and then

i haven’t seen you in a bit and I haven’t heard your voice in a bit and I haven’t touched your face in a bit

The last thing I did was stroke the back of your head which was fuzzy and soft and you may or may not have shaved it for our date that evening

(how long does hair grow after you die)
((i am not going to google that))

but you were dead long before I found you.
I know what the official time of death is. It isn’t real; it isn’t true.

The feel of your peach fuzz hair on the palm of my hand, the cold firmness of your back.
I knew it would be cold before I touched you.

For our date that night, I was going to bring you some of my fresh harvest, my medicine that you helped with, that I had just begun curing but was still quite spectacular already.

I sent you photos of them every day, I’m sure you didn’t see much difference in them but comparing side by side you could. I made sure not to send too many because I know that is overloading.

You helped me raise the lights, saw how I talked to the plants, witnessed me taking care of them.

I have so many things to share with you that are now silenced. Except here.

I can’t send you pictures of my face to show you that I’m thinking of you. I don’t get to see your face when I do. I don’t get to see how many millikittens you’ve assigned it. All I can do is extrapolate.

I know that you felt my love for you until the very nanosecond you died. I know that you were conscious of that. I know you have no doubt that I loved you up until the very moment your body shut down and your energy dispersed because I can still feel it. I know that for a fact. That is not anything I will ever doubt. And I know you never doubted my love for you as I never doubted your love for me. There was never a second to question.

I am so sorry that people broke your heart. It hurts me to know that there are people who caused you so much pain. Pain you shared with me, somehow I was able to put aside my own and take yours in. Pain I had struggled under, showed you how to handle; pain you witnessed me defeating, pain that feels easier to avoid now.

I am grateful for your years of unending patience and soft lovingkindness and truly listening to me, comprehending me. For this allowed me to not feel bitten those last few weeks and instead ease into our dates because they were our time and no one else’s. Ours.

You have given me such gifts.

I think it’s the mornings that are hardest

I think it’s the mornings that are hardest
Yes, the mornings when there’s no one to send out this 💜 my heart
There’s no one to tell
I’m awake! I’m alive! I made it through another night!

It’s also all the times during the day I want to share my face with you, where I want to show you that I am thinking about you, because you could always tell.

It is all of the times that I think about you, your face, your smile, your very name makes me glitter and squish up like I am being devoured by you.

my eyes open, and before I can see anything, I see you.

Your goodness is so pervasive, it has wound around every part of my life, tangling, reaching, connecting all of the things, like mycelium.

To focus on the things that I would prefer, instead of the things I would not; put the energy there, please.

I have one of your overshirts, I’ve wrapped myself in it this lovely autumn morning in July. I haven’t washed it, I took it from the hook where you left it.
Hi love.
×××

bumblebee.

what I am thinking
as I lie here with my face in the sun
body twisted in pain on this too-narrow couch
tears rolling across my face, into my ear
what I am thinking in my grief as I read their poetry
what I am thinking is what I knew.

You are here to help me when you could not in life. How could I ever think I’d lose you?

You were there when I found him.
You were there in my face to say

“I have him now
I am here
I am here for you.”

Help me. Please.
I am open to your help.
Please.
Help me.
I am listening.

comfort.

Sitting in your chair, reading your newspaper, using your lighter, waiting for the wash
I can see you puttering around this place
even if nearly all of what we did here was talk and eat and love and sleep.
Delighting in the chairside lamp that with a touch(!)
turns on and warm and warmer
just as your touch turns on and warm and warmer
I can see your face peeking around the corner from the kitchen, looking at me with raised eyebrows and pursed lips.
The love on your face, the sheer delight is unending.
I can see you picking up each of these things, finding a stopping place in your book and putting a bookmark there.
All of these things that came before me and now no more discussion to be had.
So I will find you myself.
I have forever.

812p 22 may 2022

i hate being alone so much.
i hate it hate it hateithateithateit
quiet and alone and lonely and cold even in this heat
cold.
even in this heat the cold strangles my blood
freezing it cold solid cold
i shiver in this heat.

i could have stayed at yours but no.
i am afraid.
the rain, the dark, the aloneness.
you held me in your arms you squeezed me closer
felt the heat bloom from my body setting it afire
holding me closer.
i tangled my fingers in yours
hoping to keep some of you for me
when i go.

i sit in your kitchen, smoking
vibrating in place i cant sit still inside
i don’t know how i appear, manic, most likely
i hate coming to you, needful, needy.
i don’t think i ever feel pity from you, i don’t think
(if i begin to think i won’t let go so lets just not)

i know i am not always like this i know that
but right now i am very much like this and it is hard to be.
much less be around.

i know i am exhausting.
i am so sorry.